I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
