You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
