Taylor Swift is so right about you.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
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im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
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Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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