Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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