How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Randomize
