my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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