i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
