He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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