Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
