I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
