Already got asked if we're dating
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
He is an equal opportunity slut.
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she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
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I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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