Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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