meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
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He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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