4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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