Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
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You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
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In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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