Who did Billy Mays play for?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
