I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
