He asked to "fluff my boner.."
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
