in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
