I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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