Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
