I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
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