if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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