Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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