all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
