I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
