I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
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You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
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Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize