somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
if i can run in heels then i can drive
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
