Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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