Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
