Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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