Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
