So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
