i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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