I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.