I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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