let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
