I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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