Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
