oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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