my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
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