I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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