I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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