her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Don't make out with my wife yet
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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