I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
