every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
