like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
the liver wants what the liver wants
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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