I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I lost the right to judge tonight
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
