Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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