well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
