I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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