last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
