Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
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