I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
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So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
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Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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