So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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