nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
