people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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