Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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