that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
