Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
