Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
